To let go or to fight on... that is the question.......

Suffocated...

I feel trapped... in life...
The same ol' daily routines... the same works, the same things, the same everything...
I need adventure... I need excitement... I need... more...
Travel the world, volunteer abroad, doing something more meaningful...
That's what I wanna do...
Instead of being stuck in this repeat sh*t hole life of mine.

Emotional roller coaster

Sigh, hate being here in times like this. Almost at the brink of a panic attack when it gets really stressful. Generally, I love being here so much. Learning so many new things, experiencing so many new things, seeing so many new places!

But it's times like these that make me feel so alone, and I wanna be home.

I miss having my two lovely housemates around, and them being such great supports to me. Even when we're doing our own things in the apartment, just seeing them makes me feel relieved and happy.

I miss having HIM around. Moments like these just make me wish he's here too and not having to care about everything else.

I miss having my family relatively close by. Just knowing the fact that I can hop on a bus anytime and head home for even just a weekend can do wonders sometimes.

I miss everything about home... From the people, to the food to everything that's familiar. It's amazing having this opportunity to be here, but I counting down until the days that I will be home again. Because no matter how awesome all this can be, there is no place like home.

Time heals?

Reading her blog (against my better judgement) just opens up old wounds which I thought were long gone.

Looking back at the past 3 years, it certainly wasn't an easy journey.

From being best of friends, to bitter rivals to being stuck in this tangled web that none of us know how to get out from.

I am ashamed of myself for initially seeing this as a victory. For I have won the heart of the one I love, but lost a friend in the process. Technically speaking, I've lost her a long time ago, but I was ashamed for seeing this as a victory, because I fully understand how she must have felt. For a certain duration of time before, I too had that bitterness inside of me, when I thought that it wasn't meant to be for me. And that slowly over time, if they are meant to be, I will back off and wish them well. But as God slowly reveals in His time, things weren't as what I thought, and eventually, God gave me what I never expected to have.

But as society has it, in the words of Allan G. Johnson in his book "Privilege, Power and Difference", there is no way that a problem of difference can involve just one. While I obtained the privilege of happiness, she suffered an ordeal of bitterness.

Initially, I chose to appreciate and express my happiness, and to be ignorant to her sufferings because it was easier that way. But I realised my actions aggravated her pain and as a friend, I wanted to do something to make her feel better again.

So, in an effort to be understanding, I took in every wrongful accusation she hurled at us. Me, a brainwasher. Him, an a'hole. Both of us together, a shameless couple? You'll be amazed how much swearing and sharp words a bitter person can express.

But how much taunt are we suppose to bear? How long are we suppose to put up with all her acts?

Truth being said, there's a part of me that wishes I'll never have to deal with her in my life anymore, because that would mean that I'll have to constantly open myself to the possibility of old wounds reopening, future similar problems to happen or even more backstabbing. But to do that, I would be despicable, a hypocrite. For how can I read the Words of God and share my beliefs with others and NOT practice it in my own life? So I told myself, that when the time comes, I WILL embrace the opportunity of a reconciliation. But just like every other relationships, it takes two to tango. So until she is ready for that, there is nothing more I can do.

I don't know how many people she has told things to already, or worse, how much of the truth has she hidden or distorted to her benefit (something she's VERY good at when she's really pissed). But I believe our God is a God who is just. He will reveal the truth and open the eyes of everyone to see it. But I am not saying this, with the meaning that what she's doing is wrong or anything, because in fact, all of us have a role in this whole mess, all of us have had our fair share of tears and wrongdoings. All I'm asking for... is for God to reveal the truth as it is, so that everyone can see the whole truth for what it is, and not the biased version of what myself, he or she may have conveyed.

Comfort or Growth?

A recent conversation with a beloved friend has caused me to ponder upon an intriguing question: As individuals, if we have a choice, would we choose comfort over growth or vice versa?

In this recent conversation I had with my friend, she was complaining about our university's condition and facilities, stating how run-down and unlively and inconvenient the facilities and environment in our university is. In certain other universities, they have the advantage of having more active student bodies and environment and state-of-the-art facilities.

While this may be true, I thought that since there isn't anything we can do about it, we might as well just make the most out of what we have. Because constantly comparing and yearning for things that we'll never have will just cause us to grow bitter and resentful towards everything around us. Besides, having this "lack of convenience" causes us to work harder to achieve our goals in ways that will help us to learn and grow.

Then, I started thinking... how this applies in our daily lives.

You see, for centuries long, humans have always worked towards making the lives of others better - to provide others with comfort and convenience. But with this comfort, comes a price... of complacence. A feeling of satisfaction with all that we have, and thus, there is no need for much improvement. A feeling of enjoying the moment, and to savor what you have (Which isn't a bad thing, depending on how you see it)

And while my argument of "making the most out of what you have, if you can't change it" may be true, what about situations where it isn't so clear cut? What if there is a door, or a window or even a slit of opportunity for improvement, which requires a certain level of commitment and hard work? Would any of us rise up to the occasion to work hard, learn, grow and make a difference, or would we just sit back, relax and let someone else do the job, because it's easier that way?..

friendships..

"if you were in her shoes, you'd do the same thing"

this sentence haunts me, for as much as i'd like to deny it, i can't deny it for certain..


today, i found out about a depressing little secret. a secret which was meant as a negative remark of me..
wat disturbed me wasnt the fact dat it wasnt true, but wat truly disturbed me,
was that that depressing false statement was made by a person who i thought our friendship still had hopes..
it's sad how we were once almost like the best of friends,
but as Fate had it, our friendship took a sharp turn, and nothing was the same anymore..

but as time passed by, i thought that maybe, just a slight maybe, things might get better..
i knew dat things would never be the same again, but i thought it could be a tinge better..


and when the same friend who told me bout the secret, said dat i'd do the same if i were in her shoes,
it got me thinking.. would I? would I do such a thing?

the opinions i got from others were dat i wouldnt.. but who knows, out of jealousy, i might..
watever it is, i thank God i dun have to find out the answer to dat..


it's tiring to be her friend, yet, it's tiring too to Not be her friend..
and everytime i have hopes that there might still be a chance of reconciliation, something like this happens..

it's so saddening.. all i can do for now is to leave this to God,
if it's meant to be, things will get better..
if it doesn't, guess we're not meant to be good friends after all..