To let go or to fight on... that is the question.......

Suffocated...

I feel trapped... in life...
The same ol' daily routines... the same works, the same things, the same everything...
I need adventure... I need excitement... I need... more...
Travel the world, volunteer abroad, doing something more meaningful...
That's what I wanna do...
Instead of being stuck in this repeat sh*t hole life of mine.

Emotional roller coaster

Sigh, hate being here in times like this. Almost at the brink of a panic attack when it gets really stressful. Generally, I love being here so much. Learning so many new things, experiencing so many new things, seeing so many new places!

But it's times like these that make me feel so alone, and I wanna be home.

I miss having my two lovely housemates around, and them being such great supports to me. Even when we're doing our own things in the apartment, just seeing them makes me feel relieved and happy.

I miss having HIM around. Moments like these just make me wish he's here too and not having to care about everything else.

I miss having my family relatively close by. Just knowing the fact that I can hop on a bus anytime and head home for even just a weekend can do wonders sometimes.

I miss everything about home... From the people, to the food to everything that's familiar. It's amazing having this opportunity to be here, but I counting down until the days that I will be home again. Because no matter how awesome all this can be, there is no place like home.

Time heals?

Reading her blog (against my better judgement) just opens up old wounds which I thought were long gone.

Looking back at the past 3 years, it certainly wasn't an easy journey.

From being best of friends, to bitter rivals to being stuck in this tangled web that none of us know how to get out from.

I am ashamed of myself for initially seeing this as a victory. For I have won the heart of the one I love, but lost a friend in the process. Technically speaking, I've lost her a long time ago, but I was ashamed for seeing this as a victory, because I fully understand how she must have felt. For a certain duration of time before, I too had that bitterness inside of me, when I thought that it wasn't meant to be for me. And that slowly over time, if they are meant to be, I will back off and wish them well. But as God slowly reveals in His time, things weren't as what I thought, and eventually, God gave me what I never expected to have.

But as society has it, in the words of Allan G. Johnson in his book "Privilege, Power and Difference", there is no way that a problem of difference can involve just one. While I obtained the privilege of happiness, she suffered an ordeal of bitterness.

Initially, I chose to appreciate and express my happiness, and to be ignorant to her sufferings because it was easier that way. But I realised my actions aggravated her pain and as a friend, I wanted to do something to make her feel better again.

So, in an effort to be understanding, I took in every wrongful accusation she hurled at us. Me, a brainwasher. Him, an a'hole. Both of us together, a shameless couple? You'll be amazed how much swearing and sharp words a bitter person can express.

But how much taunt are we suppose to bear? How long are we suppose to put up with all her acts?

Truth being said, there's a part of me that wishes I'll never have to deal with her in my life anymore, because that would mean that I'll have to constantly open myself to the possibility of old wounds reopening, future similar problems to happen or even more backstabbing. But to do that, I would be despicable, a hypocrite. For how can I read the Words of God and share my beliefs with others and NOT practice it in my own life? So I told myself, that when the time comes, I WILL embrace the opportunity of a reconciliation. But just like every other relationships, it takes two to tango. So until she is ready for that, there is nothing more I can do.

I don't know how many people she has told things to already, or worse, how much of the truth has she hidden or distorted to her benefit (something she's VERY good at when she's really pissed). But I believe our God is a God who is just. He will reveal the truth and open the eyes of everyone to see it. But I am not saying this, with the meaning that what she's doing is wrong or anything, because in fact, all of us have a role in this whole mess, all of us have had our fair share of tears and wrongdoings. All I'm asking for... is for God to reveal the truth as it is, so that everyone can see the whole truth for what it is, and not the biased version of what myself, he or she may have conveyed.

Comfort or Growth?

A recent conversation with a beloved friend has caused me to ponder upon an intriguing question: As individuals, if we have a choice, would we choose comfort over growth or vice versa?

In this recent conversation I had with my friend, she was complaining about our university's condition and facilities, stating how run-down and unlively and inconvenient the facilities and environment in our university is. In certain other universities, they have the advantage of having more active student bodies and environment and state-of-the-art facilities.

While this may be true, I thought that since there isn't anything we can do about it, we might as well just make the most out of what we have. Because constantly comparing and yearning for things that we'll never have will just cause us to grow bitter and resentful towards everything around us. Besides, having this "lack of convenience" causes us to work harder to achieve our goals in ways that will help us to learn and grow.

Then, I started thinking... how this applies in our daily lives.

You see, for centuries long, humans have always worked towards making the lives of others better - to provide others with comfort and convenience. But with this comfort, comes a price... of complacence. A feeling of satisfaction with all that we have, and thus, there is no need for much improvement. A feeling of enjoying the moment, and to savor what you have (Which isn't a bad thing, depending on how you see it)

And while my argument of "making the most out of what you have, if you can't change it" may be true, what about situations where it isn't so clear cut? What if there is a door, or a window or even a slit of opportunity for improvement, which requires a certain level of commitment and hard work? Would any of us rise up to the occasion to work hard, learn, grow and make a difference, or would we just sit back, relax and let someone else do the job, because it's easier that way?..

friendships..

"if you were in her shoes, you'd do the same thing"

this sentence haunts me, for as much as i'd like to deny it, i can't deny it for certain..


today, i found out about a depressing little secret. a secret which was meant as a negative remark of me..
wat disturbed me wasnt the fact dat it wasnt true, but wat truly disturbed me,
was that that depressing false statement was made by a person who i thought our friendship still had hopes..
it's sad how we were once almost like the best of friends,
but as Fate had it, our friendship took a sharp turn, and nothing was the same anymore..

but as time passed by, i thought that maybe, just a slight maybe, things might get better..
i knew dat things would never be the same again, but i thought it could be a tinge better..


and when the same friend who told me bout the secret, said dat i'd do the same if i were in her shoes,
it got me thinking.. would I? would I do such a thing?

the opinions i got from others were dat i wouldnt.. but who knows, out of jealousy, i might..
watever it is, i thank God i dun have to find out the answer to dat..


it's tiring to be her friend, yet, it's tiring too to Not be her friend..
and everytime i have hopes that there might still be a chance of reconciliation, something like this happens..

it's so saddening.. all i can do for now is to leave this to God,
if it's meant to be, things will get better..
if it doesn't, guess we're not meant to be good friends after all..

google 9/5/2011

in conjunction with the 76th birthday of the creator of the mr men and little miss series, google has decided to honour the late roger hargreaves by introducing some of the cartoon characters on the google home page..



and the design changes everytime the refresh button is hit!!.. here's a compilation of the various designs..






isn't it just adorable =D

frustrated

gosh, this sucks..
i'm a prisoner at my own home..
i can't do anything i wan w/o YOU commenting something..
i get it, i kinda screwed up during my semester..
and YOU're doing a great job telling me the same things OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again..
it's already burnt in the back of my mind..
correction, more like front..

in fact, it's the only thing i can see or think of when i see YOU..
the worst part is, i can't tell YOU how i feel..
cuz it might hurt YOU or i'd be jus plain rude..
i get it already! i'm not a kid, i totally understand wat ur tryna say..
YOU dun hafta ask me the SAME DAMN THING everyday!!!

can YOU just leave me alone already!!! GOSH!!! =(

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

The Pencil

A PENCIL MAKER TOLD THE PENCIL 5 IMPORTANT LESSONS JUST BEFORE PUTTING IT IN THE BOX :


1.) EVERYTHING YOU DO WILL ALWAYS LEAVE A MARK.

2.) YOU CAN ALWAYS CORRECT THE MISTAKES YOU MAKE.

3.) WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS WHAT IS INSIDE OF YOU.

4.) IN LIFE, YOU WILL UNDERGO PAINFUL SHARPENINGS,

WHICH WILL ONLY MAKE YOU BETTER.

5.) TO BE THE BEST PENCIL, YOU MUST ALLOW YOURSELF

TO BE HELD AND GUIDED BY THE HAND THAT HOLDS YOU.

We all need to be constantly sharpened. This parable may encourage you to know that you are a special person, with unique talents and abilities. Only you can fulfill the purpose which you were born to accomplish. Never allow yourself to get discouraged and think that your life is insignificant and cannot be changed and, like the pencil, always remember that the most important part of who you are, is what's inside of you.

New Year's Resolution

has anyone ever wondered how this tradition actually came about?
i mean, year after year, many resort to making them..
and most ppl have the same things on their list :
1) exercise more, lose weight..
2) sleep less..
3) cut back on facebook time..
4) find a bf (or gf, if you're a guy) etc.


but more often than not, many look back at the end of the year and they realised,
they never stick to their resolutions..


and the important question is.... W H Y?..


you see, most people make, what you'd call a COMMUNITY RESOLUTION



ppl make them cuz, the ppl around them makes them.. and the ppl around them makes them bcuz the ppl around the ppl around them makes them, and.. AH WELL, u get the idea..


so peeps, just wanna tell you guys.. dun make new year resolutions bcuz you feel compelled to do it.. do it, bcuz dat's wat u rilli wanna do..
and if you set ur heart and mind on it, u dun hafta wait till new year's to make it.. it can be done anytime of the year..

so my new year resolution for this year will be.. NO NEW YEAR;S RESOLUTION!! =D
well, more like, i'll come up with resolutions of my own and since i cant tink of a better name, for now it shall be called the "you-can-call-it-anything-else besides-new-year's-resolution" resolution =D


ANYWAY, *holding up imaginary glass*, here's to the end of 2010.. and now, we await the arrival of the year 2011 with hopes of a greater year with many more blessings and good things coming our way =D HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! =D

facebook personalities..

facebook. the social networking site which enables ppl to kip in touch with others easily as well as to kill time with its various sideline entertainments.. and today, most ppl have gotten addicted to it.. as u venture deeper into the facebook world, you'll notice a myriad of somewhat entertaining and occasionally annoying facebook personalities. here are some of the commonly seen ones..

1) the status updaters..
exhibit A :
status : i'm bored...
*few seconds later* status : going shopping now..
*few minutes later* status : at the shoping mall now..
*few minutes later* status : jus bought a new shirt..
*few minutes later* status : taking a break now..
*few minutes later* status : drinking starbucks coffee and eating J.co doughnuts now.. Yum..

status updates are fine (and twitter for the matter), it's a nice way to express wat ur doing and to kip ppl in the know.. but there are jus some ppl who post WWAAYYY too many status updates.. well, newsflash ppl, unless ur some hot shot celebrity, no one rilli cares wat u do EVERY second.. so, kip it to a moderate level, will ya..


2) the relationship updaters..
person A is in a relationship with person B.
*few minutes later* person A is in a relationship.
*few minutes later* person A is in a relationship and it's complicated.
*few minutes later* person A is married.
*few minutes later* person A is single.
*few minutes later* person A is in a relationship with person B.

for those of you who are attached, congrats, we're happy for you.. we know ur over the moon n you wan the whole world to know about it, but the constant change in ur r'ship status can be pretty annoying.. so if it's public attention and acknowledgment that you wan, all you hafta do is ask.. we're be more than happy to help you spread the news..


3) the one who never misses an opportunity to comment or like..
i'm sure some of us have these kinda frens.. every page u go or every new video or photo u see has a 'like' or a comment from these ppl, as though it's a SIRIM chop.. it's either these ppl have a WHOLE lot of interest and like alot of things and have alot of things to say or they're merely attention seekers..


4) the LOL-ers..
person A: hi, long time no see, how are you.. LOL
person B: i'm great.. how bout you? LOL
person A: i'm doing fine too.. LOL
person B : LOL

well, there's ntg wrong about Laughing Out Loud.. but let's face it, how many of us are rilli laughing out loud?.. and it's being used so nonchalantly at the end of every sentence dat LOL has become the new full stop. a stop to da whole conversation as a matter of fact.. cuz there's absolutely ntg you can reply to a LOL


5) the profile picture updaters..
ppl who change numerous profile pictures faster than you or i can blink..


6) the pokers..
po-ke-ty poke poke.. nuff said..


7) the game inviters..
"Here is one Coffee Beans ingredient for you to improve your restaurant's menu! Could you help me by sending one back?"
"so-and-so has lost his/her sheep. help him/her find his/her sheep"

seriously?!?


*but anyway, this post was not meant to be offensive in any way.. it's just the truth from wat i see from viewing facebook very frequently.. =D

you know you're a facebook addict when..

1) it's da first page u immediately open when u get an internet connection (it's probably even in ur list of boomarked pages)
2) you have several tabs of facebook opened at the same time, all the time..
3) you check facebook every few minutes (or refresh it every few seconds)
4) you can't stop thinking bout facebook the moments ur not on facebook..
5) every single information u obtained about others is from facebook..
6) you have to FORCE urself to SWEAR off facebook for at least a day (when approaching important events like exams)
7) you have more than 1379 frens, 328photos, 112groups, 98 likes and 50 videos.. (ok, i was jus being ridiculously random =P)

another one of those emo updates...

sigh.. what's happening to me..
my life is such a mess..
well, it was nvr exactly organized in the first place, but at least not as out of hand as now..

i'm hurting ppl who care about me..
i'm withdrawing from everything that's happening around me..
i'm losing faith and interest in things i used to be SOO passionate about..

i dun wan ppl to worry..
so i try my best to smile and laugh and pretend everything's okay..
i have the most awesome frens that anyone can wish for, but sometimes i feel like i'm all alone to face this world..
i try to talk, but no one truly understands..
i pray, alot.. and all i can do is to believe, and take one step at a time..


i once promised myself that watever happens, i wont take it out on anyone..
whatever i go through, i try my best not to influence ppl around me..
but why is it that, everytime i try not to do something, i end up doing it on a larger scale.. in a negative manner..


i hate feeling so helpless.. it's frustrating...

dear "you",

just when i thought i've seen enuf dementors*, you came along..
the only d'rence is that dementors are thin and scrawny, while you, on the other hand, are.. well, the plain opposite..
come to think of it, you remind me of a human-sized garfield.. a not so cute version though..

you have such an amazing bean sprout-like handwriting that it makes chicken's clawing** seem legible..
spectacle companies shud SOO hire you as their sales rep,
cuz by the end of the semester, i'm pretty sure all the students in ur classes will be wearing glasses already..

and i wish i could pay more attention in ur class but the way u explain things sumtimes, is such a turn off..
in fact, if you were to tel me the story of cinderella for the first time in my life, the only things i'd probably get outta the story are
she's a girl,
there's a pumpkin involved,
and somehow it was a happily ever after story..

i thank God that it's almost the end of the semester..
sorry for being brutal but, i hope i'll never end up in ur class again.

love,
your frustrated student

*for those of you who have never read harry potter, it's a creature which sucks all the happiness outta you..
**haha, direct translation of cakar ayam

H.O.M.E.S.I.C.K.

i came bak for a total of 7 classes in two days, jus to find out that 3 of it are cancelled..

then i was thinkin of going bak to penang (5 days break!!!), then i remembered, i got a camp comin up this friday.. sigh..

so, i thought, maybe i'll head over to my aunt's place in damansara (at least i'll have a home-y feeling for 2 and a half days!!), then i remembered, i'm one of the person in charge for 2mr's techflow meeting.. sigh...

i am officially bored to death.. and i'm SUPER homesick..

i miss my house..
i miss my family..
i miss my friends..
i miss my dog..
i miss my bed..

i miss everything to do with HOME!!!

3 main reasons why i always go M.I.A.

see, the reason why i started a blog in the first place, is to update my friends on what's been happening in my life or what i've stumbled upon lately.. a somewhat convenient method to channel it (besides facebook), esp. after leavin high skool and everyone's off in their separate lives to lead..

and it's also a method for the future me to reminisce on what retarded things the past me had seen, done or said =)


but, what usually happens when i'm about to update a blog post..
1) *snap of a finger*
imaginary light bulb is lit.. i get an idea, i start developing on dat idea in my mind
i get excited about it..
i get RILLI excited about it...
i get RILLI RILLI RILLI excited about it..........

then i get worn out due to the excitement. the excitement dies.
i go thru a whole phase of mind-blogging and it dies b4 i even blog about it.. so yea, no updates..



OR if i dun have the time to write about it...
2) write it down somewhere first, to remind myself to blog about it when i have the time.. (and the whole time, i have da giddiness of a little girl inside of me when i tink bout bloggin bout it)

time passes, and one day.. it's time to finally update my blog.. i look into my updates book on where to start..
HOLY CRAP, I HAVE A GAZILLION THINGS TO BLOG ABOUT!!!
AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHH!!!!!

the indecisiveness of which one to blog about first kills me b4 i even update one blog post..


OR.....
3) jus a normal day, and i feel like updating my blog.. internet connection established..
(monologue : first thing i'm gonna do is update my blog..)
update blog.. update blog.. update blog.. must update blog.. must updaOH LOOKIE HERE!!! somebody posted up a super cool video on youtube!!! AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!
and so, yea, i end up doing everything else EXCEPT blogging..



so you see, i have so many hindrance everytime i wanna update my blog, and i seriously wonder how so many ppl can do it on a regular basis..
note to self : need to find solution to constant M.I.A. status of blog, or my lack of focus, or my short term attention span..

so, to those biotech ppl out there, if you tink u've created a pill or the likes dat can help solve my prob, i'd LOVE to be ur test subject =D

p.s. = on 2nd thought, not really =D hehe...

Today in circuits class.....

An interactive session between a fellow classmate of mine, let's jus call him Y, and my lecturer, I in class today.. emphasis, IN CLASS!!!

Part 1
Y : sir, how does this element work? does it have internal battery or sumthing?
I : that one, i'll explain it when we're in class.
Y : we're not in class now meh? (EPIC!!)
*lecturer somehow starts talkin about sumthing else and changes topic*

Part 2
I : "......there will be feedback to the input...."
Y : sir, wat do you mean by feedback?
I : feeding back.
the whole class : ?????
I : *mumbles* *mumbles* *mumbles* *lecturer changes topic of discussion, yet again*


sigh, when the seniors said that circuit analysis was gonna be a walk in the park, i honestly believed them. in fact, i stil do. but unfortunately, my wonderful lecturer manages to screw our minds upside down, inside out and make us feel like trying to decipher einstein's theory of relativity might be a piece of cake as compared to circuits.

exam season is OVER!!!

Lab Practical test 1.................. DONE!
DE Test 1................................. DONE!!
Circuits Analysis Mid Term.... DONE!!!
Advan. Calculus Test 1........... DONE!!!!
C Programming Mid Term.... DONE!!!!!

WHEE!!!!!! finally exams are over, finally i can relax a lil and catch up on my beauty sleep.. (my panda eyes are going a full circle already =P)